Let me begin by apologizing for the hasty nature of the announcement of my being chosen as the running mate for the honorable Weekly Webcomic Wrapup. What my fine, fellow feature lacks in clarity and eloquence, he more than makes up for with sheer enthusiasm. Perhaps this is why he, with wisdom acquired during his three years of publication, chose me as his running mate -- to balance his passion with my own levelheadedness. In that respect, I am more than glad to play the Abbot to his Costello, the Brain to his Pinky, and the Linnell to his Flansburgh.

With that bit of business out of the way, I'd like to talk to you about why you should support a WWW/JHS ticket for the office of King and Queen Vice-King of the Internets. As you know, the Internets is a big place that requires a great deal of regulation from its executive officers. While the current administration has adopted a laissez-faire approach to their prestigious post, our leadership would provide a much needed repaving of the information superhighway -- for starters, all domain names will be required to end with ".fun". Not only will it simplify the Internets navigation process, but it may just bring a smile to the face of the typical, hard-hearted Internets user.

Our other major platforms include:

• Stronger punitive measures against the proliferation of Rick Astley songs
• Energy conservation through the deactivation of the Internets at 11 p.m. every night
  
• Free candy for supporters

So, when Election Day rolls around, won't you consider the benefits of a Weekly Webcomic Wrapup/Japanese Hardware Sales administration? Our change will be swift, our policies fair, and our candy delicious.

- DS Lite: 57,847 3,395 (5.54%)
- Wii: 26,314 3,607 (12.06%)
- PSP: 25,671 3,003 (10.47%)
- Xbox 360: 11,291 2,486 (18.04%)
- PS2: 9,848 2,128 (27.56%)
- PS3: 8,275 119 (1.46%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: www.archives.fun

Imagine our excitement when word arose that Sega's upcoming penguin-friendly title Let's Tap could be played "without holding a controller". We thought the day we've dreamed about since we pressed the power button on our respective first home consoles had come -- the day when video games aren't played with hands, but with minds. Unfortunately, a trailer for the game surfaced during the Nintendo Media Summit, revealing that while no controller-touching will actually be required to play Let's Tap, hands will still be part of the equation.

To get a clear understanding of the control scheme, check out the trailer after the break. It seems the game will be manipulated by placing a Wiimote face-down on a flat surface (a Nintendo Wii box is used in the video), then tapping upon said surface. We're still not positive how it works -- though we are positive that the speak-and-spell-infused song used in the trailer has stick-in-your-head properties we haven't seen since the days of Lou Bega.

Readers currently residing in the United Kingdom -- your wait is over. At long last, you'll be able to experience one of 2007's best selling, most critically acclaimed titles -- Rockstar's controversial thriller, Manhunt 2. After being turned down by the British Board of Film Classification for its "unremitting bleakness and callousness of tone," a reworked, SFEurope version of the game will be launched in the UK for the Wii, PS2 and PSP on October 31. We know, we can barely contain our excitement either.

Sure, it may lack a few of the more grisly elements included in the inappropriate North American version, but if your hands are shaking with anticipation as you read this report -- as we're sure they are -- we imagine you'll be able to overlook a few omitted acts of power drill-related violence.

For those who are reading this on a computer that is unable to meet the minimum system requirements of Math Blaster, feel free to skip this post. We won't be offended. For those discerning PC gamers who are still with us, you may be interested in a recent offer from Electronic Arts -- next weekend, the standalone multiplayer expansion to Crytek's demanding shooter, titled Crysis Wars, will be free to download and play online. Starting 11 a.m. on Friday, and running until 11:59 p.m. Sunday, you'll be able to jump on to any of the game's online servers for some nano-suit infused multiplayer combat.

Of course, after you've registered on MyCrisis.com and downloaded the full version of Crysis Wars (right here), you can play the game immediately, albeit offline using a LAN connection. We're assuming you already have a cadre of PC gaming acquaintences with appropriately powerful rigs -- don't you, you sociable so-and-so, you.

While there's been a fair amount of excitement and buzz over the recently announced, camera-equipped upgrade to Nintendo's best-selling handheld, it seems that the big N doesn't want American gamers to neglect the DSi's older, lensless sibling. In a recent interview with Game|Life, Cammie Dunaway, Nintendo's VP of sales and marketing (and world-renowned snowboarding expert), explained that the DS Lite has "huge, untapped potential" in the U.S. -- potential that the company hopes to tap before replacing the Lite with the new shutterbugish model.

Dunaway explained Nintendo's hopes to bring America's DS Lite sales to a level the company has come accustomed to in Japan, where one in every two households owns the handheld. While the DSi isn't due out in America until "well into 2009", Nintendo hopes to bolster Lite sales by allowing the two versions to "coexist for some period of time". Hey, as long as the DS Lite doesn't go all Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son, we're cool with it.

The latest issue of Japanese gaming supermag, Famitsu, had a welcome surprise for fans of Nintendo's three-DVD-wide home console -- the announcement of Valhalla Knights: Eldar Saga for the Wii. Gamekyo originally posted scans of the article announcing the title, translating a few key features of the former PSP series' Wii-imagining -- chief among these being an online co-op mode using Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection. While the PSP version of Valhalla Knights received middling reviews, we remain, as ever, cautiously optimistic about any RPG offerings for the Wii -- though considering the game is about 70 percent complete and not due out in Japan until next year, it may be a while before we get our hands on it.

It's difficult for us to get excited about anything nowadays unless it includes some method of bolstering our confidence in our own talents. Imagine our delight when we read a recent Rock Band forum post by a Harmonix employee, who confirmed that the recently announced Rock Band 2 AC/DC track pack will have its own unique Achievements/Trophies. While the logistics of how this will work are hazy (will they be added to the pre-existing awards of Rock Band 2, or only be accessible from the AC/DC disc?), we can't wait to see how our duck walk stacks up to Angus Young's.

Before beginning this post, we have a number of important announcements to make:

• It is currently October.
• Sandwiches, when prepared correctly, are delicious.
• Salt is salty.
• There are five items in this list.
• You are currently reading Joystiq.

What's that? You're not sure why we're announcing things you already know? Perhaps you'll be equally flabbergasted by a rumor that LucasArts and Bioware will likely soon reveal the Knights of the Old Republic MMO that EA CEO John Riccitiello already totally confirmed. The rumor originates from a blurb in UK newspaper Daily Star, the author of which claims he's coming stateside to check the title out at LucasArts HQ. If the author is on the level, we certainly expect one of the two developers to "reveal" the title before his article goes to print. Perhaps they can still surprise the eleven people on the planet that don't already know about it.

As the fall update and accompanying New Xbox Experience creep ever closer to our purring, anticipatory 360s, further details about the renovated dashboard continue to surface -- the latest of these is a sneak peek at how the Games Store will function under the NXE, courtesy of Xbox community site Gamerscore Blog.

To put it simply, the new Games Store will provide every game with its own comprehensive page, complete with tabs displaying screenshots, trailers, information about the title, and all available downloads pertaining to the game. If that made little to no sense, they've got a more detailed rundown on Gamerscore Blog -- but it finally seems like we won't have to search through an ocean of DLC to find those Bomberman: Act Zero gamerpics we've been coveting for oh-so-long.

We were awakened last night by a terrible din -- a wailing which echoed through our streets like a funeral dirge. The sound poured from nearby houses; voices making slightly varied proclamations with a singular theme. In near-unison, they pierced the night: "WHERE IS MASTER CHIEF?", "WHY NO LASER SWORDS?", and, perplexingly, "GEOFF KEIGHLEY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH CORTANA?"

These confused souls were reacting to the cinematic trailer for Ensemble Studios' swan song, Halo Wars, which debuted on GameTrailers TV last night. For those who were laying eyes upon the title for the first time, we can understand any resulting bewilderment. The trailer (which we've posted after the break) is excellent, though it boldly lacks the things players love about the series to date -- including any sign of returning characters, or any heinous acts of postmortem facial desecration.

As you put the finishing touches on your latest laborious LittleBigPlanet masterpiece, you make a startling realization -- something is missing. Your homebrewed LittleBigLocale is missing its keystone; without this necessary component, your hours of work will have been for naught. The component is, of course, a statue of Horace Horsecollar and his bovine betrothed, Clarabelle Cow.

While the previous sentence likely only made sense to people who watched cartoons in the 1930s, the following will probably be clearer -- according to the latest revolution of Electronic Gaming Monthly's rumor mill, LittleBigPlanet DLC is set to include non-sony property, such as characters from Disney franchises and 3rd-party PlayStation titles. We're not sure in what capacity these properties could be included in Media Molecule's uber-customizable platformer, but we're certainly excited about the prospective existence of SackBaloo.

No time for nonsense today, dearest readers. The regularly scheduled shenanigans must be sidelined this week for a much more important cause: Warhammer Online just finished patching, and we're jonesing to play it. Don't feel neglected, friends -- you still hold a very important place in our collective heart. Just, you know, not as important as the unignorable siren call of a brand new, potentially addictive MMO.

[Update: We apologize for the dismissive and frankly unprofessional tone of the above paragraph. We feel such blatant duty shirking doesn't accurately display the level of integrity and dedication to our readers that we strive for with each post -- even when those posts are as inconsequential and nonsensical as these weekly hardware sales charts.]

[Update: Inconsequential, eh? We'll have you know that just last week, we received a lovely email from a reader who said that thanks to our hardware sales feature, she's found the courage to return to her job with her father's tuna fishing operation following the untimely tuna-devourment of her husband. She's even invited us to the christening of their newest commercial fishing vessel -- how's that for inconsequential?]

[Update: Beg our pardon. We meant no disrespect to what is surely our most valued demographic -- recently widowed tuna harvesters.]

[Update: Fine, bub. You think you can do better? You can finish the post, then.]

[Update: Gladly. Hey, the Xbox 360 outsold the PS3 for the second week in a row. Looks like Microsoft finally ... developed a ... strategy to ...]

[Update: Oh, that's great. Really -- absolutely hilarious. I wasn't aware that Ray Romano had joined our staff.]

[Update: You're incredibly fired.]

- DS Lite: 61,242 2,617 (4.10%)
- Wii: 29,921 235 (0.79%)
- PSP: 28,674 1,482 (4.91%)
- Xbox 360: 13,777 14,411 (51.12%)
- PS3: 8,156 103 (1.28%)
- PS2: 7,720 51 (0.67%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The recently widowed archives

In their most recent weekly news update, Valve announced that starting next week, Steam will begin hosting certain user-created mods of Source engine titles such as Half-Life 2 and Team Fortress 2. Owners of any Source title will be able to download these mods for free -- what's more, Valve has promised automatic updates and stat tracking for the mods they add to the download service.

The first five mods to be highlighted by Steam are Age of Chivalry, a medieval HL2 mod (pictured above); Synergy, another mod for HL2 which adds a co-op mode to the campaign; D.I.P.R.I.P., a multiplayer vehicular combat game; Zombie Panic, a spiritual precursor to Left 4 Dead; and Insurgency, a "total conversion" mod that takes players out of City 17, and places them on a modern battlefield. Sadly, our Source-based Burgertime mod didn't make the cut. Hopefully Valve will get wise and pick it up with the next batch.

[Via Big Download]

Are you on the fence about the upcoming changes to the Xbox 360 dashboard? Apprehensive about the unceremonious subtraction of your beloved blades? Perhaps it would be wise to check out an interactive demo of the New Xbox Experience (or, as the hip kids are calling it, the NXE) that was recently added to Xbox.com. You can get a good idea of what the new layout will look like -- though you'll have to wait until the NXE lands on your 360 before trying your hand at breathing life into your cartoonish, digital representation.

We've heard a bit of speculation about the seemingly inevitable upgrades that are coming to Nintendo's best-selling handheld -- all of which were promptly denied by the big N. However, Japanese business newspaper Nikkei recently published an article outlining a few neat features supposedly coming to the new DS model -- chief among these are a camera (which the paper mentions could be integrated into gameplay), a music playback function, and the ability to communicate with "information terminals" to acquire location-sensitive information.

Nikkei Net, the online branch of the newspaper, reports that the new model will launch in Japan sometime this year. Their take on the new functions are that Nintendo may be trying to compete with other mainstream technology -- what popular portable device with a touch screen, camera, and music playback could they possibly be trying to rival?

Keep in mind, we don't have a physical copy of the newspaper this report is printed in, nor has Nintendo confirmed the new features -- so season this story with an appropriate number of salt grains.